Beneath A Perfect Smile
by Indiana Jerico
Summary: Hotohori muses about his loneliness in light of the realization that Miaka loves Tamahome and no one else. But it took the insight of Nuriko, of all people, to make him realize that he is not alone. Inspired by Ritz's fanfic, this is from Hotohori's POV.


**BENEATH A PERFECT SMILE**

**I** could still hear Chiriko's flute from here, the sound, soothing as it was, drifting through the still night. He had asked me if I wanted a song, and I acquiesced. The song he chose was a sad one. A melody of longing, although I really did not know if it was that. It just seemed that way, at least to me. Maybe, it was part of his powers as a seishi; to evoke hidden feelings through songs.

I sighed, going deeper into my own garden. As a child, I remembered walking through here, the vastness seeming to stretch across forever, the flowers delighting me to no end, marveling at their beauty and how their colors grasped the sun. Now, they were all made blue by the moonlight, somber and silent. Perhaps they were also listening to the sound of the flute. I wondered if they had their own secret feelings too.

There was a place here which I secretly claimed as my own. It was beside the clear pond, covered by an old mossy tree, away from the middle of the garden. Once, as a child, I found fireflies gathered there, and I remembered being mesmerized by them for hours until my guardians found me. I received a harsh lecture from my father then, the longest he had ever talked to me for as long as I could remember.

Walking to that place now, I shivered a little, pulling my royal robe closer to me. My feet made no sound as it walked the path; made even more muffled by the chirping of the crickets somewhere. Finally, I arrived at the spot –_my_ spot— and stopped. The pond, clear and silvery, showed the crescent blue of the moon which, until hours ago, had been hidden by the rain clouds.

Looking at the reflection of the moon, I thought about Miaka. She would be with Tamahome right now, of course. Given what happened earlier, she wouldn't be anywhere else. Or with anyone, for that matter.

At the thought, something stabbed at my heart, giving me a pain which I have, in all my life, never felt before. My chest felt hollow and numb, and the pain welled up and went to my throat and stayed there. My eyebrows furrowed a bit, and I clutched a hand on my chest as if the pain was physical.

_Miaka…_

I put a hand over my mouth, feeling the lump in my throat come up. I felt tears starting to well up and I mustered all I could not to cry out. I closed my eyes and just when I couldn't hold it back any longer…

"Hotohori-sama," the voice broke through the night's stillness, through Chiriko's flute.

I stopped, caught off-guard. For one brief moment, I panicked, wondering what I should do. And then, habit took over. I held back the tears, swallowing them as hard as I could, as I put on my mask with the practiced air of one who had done this for as long as he could remember. I closed my eyes, willing my features to be calm. And I turned around.

"Nuriko," I said, smiling softly. "What are you doing here? You should be with the others, celebrating Tamahome's return."

"I followed you, Hotohori-sama," Nuriko said. "You left so silently, without one word, that I was concerned."

When I just looked at him, not replying, he took it as anger and immediately fell down on his knees. "I'm so sorry, Hotohori-sama. I shouldn't have done that."

I smiled as I walked over to him and helped him up. "It's alright, Nuriko. You didn't anger me at all. I was just surprised."

Nuriko smiled, cheering up. Then, he looked at me closely, his lips pursing. A thoughtful expression crossed his feminine features and I was suddenly gripped with nervousness, feeling very much like a piece of vase being appraised.

"Is something bothering you, Hotohori-sama?" He tilted his head to one side, stressing his question.

Surprise caught me, but only for a brief second. I immediately laughed softly, putting a hand coquettishly over my mouth, another one of my disarming tactics. "Hahah, why do you ask that? Of course I'm alright. I couldn't be happier. Tamahome's back and well. All the seishis are gathered. Tomorrow, we will summon the Suzaku and put an end to this war."

Nuriko looked at me, and he smiled. It was such a sad, soft smile. "You are so beautiful, Hotohori-sama." At this, his cheeks flushed slightly. "Looking at you now, under the glow of the moon, one would think that you're not mortal. But there is more behind that beauty isn't there? You hide your thoughts and your needs behind that smile, creating more layers of masks. You have always been so dependable, always caring for this country and its people, and you do it with that beautiful smile of yours, making us feel everything is going to be alright. You hide your true self so well that no one else can see what you've buried inside yourself." He paused, and it seemed for one brief moment that he wanted to reach out to me with his hand, but he didn't. "Except _I_ can. You're always hiding some sort of deep loneliness and sorrow from everyone. And now, I'm seeing that sorrow magnified. You are very sad right now. Very sad, and lonely. You have always been lonely." He tilted his head to one side, looking at me slowly in the eye. "Haven't you?"

I found myself staring at him, eyes wide in amazement. All these times, I never expected that anyone would figure out what I had always carried inside me. I always masked everything under the guise of vanity and nonchalance. I had always acted out my duties as the emperor with the grace and wisdom of one who had no worries. I thought no one would see this longing I bear…

All my life, I have waited for the one person who will take me away from this loneliness. My father, the third Emperor of Konan, never had time for me, busy as he was with the affairs of the country. My mother was the same, and I was brought up in the company of courtiers and servants, treating me as one befitting my status, always there, but not really. So I grew up embracing the solitude, even when my father died and I was forced to assume the mantle of emperor; forced to grow up even before becoming a child. But always, I was yearning for that one person…

I learned about the Maiden of Suzaku and the seven seishis assigned to protect her. When I found out I was one of the seven, my heart leaped. I thought here, at last, was someone who will see me for who I am, not what I am. Who will love me as a man, and not as an emperor. I was dreaming for the time when she would come, and she did.

But I was wrong. She did fall in love with a seishi. But it was not me. It will never be me. That scene, hours ago, with Tamahome cemented that. I was foolish to hope that she could fall for me.

And now, I was feeling a pain that is quite unlike anything I have ever felt before.

But Nuriko, in all his cheerfulness and gaiety, saw through me as if my soul was bared to the world. I was at loss for words. I found my mask slipping, the perfect ceramic starting to crack.

"Your eyes betray everything Hotohori-sama," he continued. "Maybe, if I look at them long enough, I might even see the color of your soul."

"I…I don't…" I stammered. The ceramic was beginning to show several spider-webs now. I swallowed hard.

Nuriko stepped forward and slowly, tentatively, brushed a part of my dark-brown hair from my face. I felt his fingers hover just slightly over my skin, feeling the universe between them tremble. Then he stepped back and smiled again. Sadly.

"There are things we are never meant to have Hotohori-sama," he said. "But to deny ourselves the happiness of being with someone because of them, well, that is a mistake that we will carry through our lives. We should not suffer because of just one thing, when there are so many things to be happy about, if we just look. You are beautiful, and you are kind, and it would be a shame to deny someone of your love, when you have so much to give."

I didn't reply, and again, Nuriko must have interpreted this as an affront. He went down on his knees again. "I am sorry, Hotohori-sama. I have spoken out of line. Please forgive me."

I smiled, genuinely this time. "It's alright, Nuriko. What you said, it brings comfort to my heart."

Nuriko got up, and he smiled again, his face putting on that cheery warmth. "Well…I sense you want to be alone for a while, Hotohori-sama. I will take my leave."

I smiled in response.

He bowed and turned around. And then, he stopped. He turned to look back at me. "Hotohori-sama?"

"Yes?" I said.

"You are not the only one feeling that pain." And with that, he walked away towards the darkness and disappeared.

I looked at where he was for some time, thinking about what he said. And under the moon, still with Chiriko's sad melody, I felt a tear fall across my perfect smile.

_**---fin---**_


End file.
